Thursday, August 18, 2005

I will quit. I will.

I made the monumentally stupid SMART decision this past Monday, August 15th to quit smoking. I smoked my last cigarette at approximately 10:00 pm. In 23 minutes I'll have gone 60 hours without a nicotine fix.

I'm not sure what I was thinking when I made the choice to enter this personal hell .
Clean lungs? Who cares.
Bad breath? That's what gum is for.
Stinky clothes? You shouldn't be standing so close, ASSHOLE.

Sigh...

I feel so bitchy and out of control.
Irritable.
Emotional.
FUCKING WOE-BEGONE.
I wasn't sure who I should call last night when my head spun off of my body and bounced around the room. Doctor? Lawyer? Exorcist?

Will I get thru this?... that's the question. Will I successfully give up nicotine? Right now, this very minute, 9:28 am on August 18th, I would have to say No. It probably won't happen. My hands are shaking, my stomach is turning, I feel nauseated and disoriented. I NEED a cigarette. But, more importantly I WANT a cigarette. I want to inhale and exhale and feel the smoke snake its way down my infected trachea and worm its way into my already blackened lungs.

Obviously, addiction makes me unreasonable. I know that cigarettes are poison, but my body tells me that I need that poison to feel... right. Going without nicotine feels.. well.. yea.. WRONG. really wrong.

Just one. I only want one.

My plan is to stay in my house until the cravings are gone. I'll probably scream at C. I'll definitely torture my friends with plaintive wailings for the sweet, sweet aroma of a Marlboro Light. But, I WILL prevail.

I will quit smoking.