Thursday, January 13, 2005

The beginning of the End... Or not?

Does sex come to a screeching halt when the proverbial knot is tied?

One website seems to think so. is under the impression, like so many others, that marriage is a death wish.

One writer states- “I can remember my last blow job like it was yesterday. Actually it was six years ago the day before I got married. Sex then was four to five times a week. Now I have a four-year-old son who sleeps in my bed with my wife more nights a week than I do. Sex now maybe once a month. Triple that for vacation sex. I have noticed that the rate goes up for a short period of time but drops off quickly when large purchases are made (house, Landrover, shopping sprees, new floors, etc). I am thirty-eight, not happy, and slowly methodically plotting my way out. I always love the look in the eyes of my friends who say that won't happen to them.”

It's attitudes like this that makes marriage so undesirable to so many people. I don’t know what this dude was doing wrong, but perhaps it wasn’t her fault. Maybe he didn’t like to reciprocate. Maybe he just laid there like a beached whale and forgot that she actually had something called a g-spot. I wonder if he can spell the word clit?

Another writer adds- “Wife is overweight, no sex, doesn't cook anything not in a can. 3 kids. I am stuck. I can't even cheat on her since we do a mail order company out of the house. No alone time, no peace. I think I am going crazy. Oh, another fun aspect - wife is a born again Christian, so if I bring up the sex issue she uses the bible to justify herself. I argue that, and kazzam, I am Satan, and no sex for Satan. If I do not argue, no sex for me either.”

I’m not even going to bother trying to dissect this one. He definitely has his own issues to deal with. But trust me, this is not the way it has to be. Have you guys ever seen the movie Phenomenon? There is a scene in that movie that totally exemplifies the point that I’m trying to make.

Doc:'s your lady love?
Banes: broke up.
Doc: Really, that's too bad, yeah. Now George has a love at his side and she is sticking with him. You know why? Because he bought her chairs. That's pretty smart to me. You ever buy Lisa's chairs?'
Banes: Doc's real drunk tonight.
Doc: Every woman has her chairs, something she needs to put herself into, Banes. You ever figure out what Lisa's chairs were and buy them?

(I realize this may make absolutely no sense if you haven't seen the movie, but work with me... )

In every relationship there is going to be a situation where you will have to figure out what your lover’s “chair” is. Find out what it is that makes them tick. What turns them on? Investigate. Try new things. Work. Practice. Find out what that “thing” is that makes them want to come back for more and then hone it to a fine art.

C and I have always had a very healthy sex life. But, it was more of a quantity over quality type of thing. We we're fucking like rabbits, but not taking the time to learn the nuances and innuendos that lovers need to learn. See. That’s something wonderful about aging. As we grow older, we get smarter. Yea, we also get more forgetful; but that’s what post-its are for. I digress.

The timing was finally right. The moon was in perfect alignment with Venus. I’m not sure, but something has been floating our boat, so to speak. It’s amazing what good sex can do for your overall well-being and mood. I look at all of these crabby people on the roads and in the stores and I think to myself.

Self- "That puckered up old hag needs to get LAID."

So, in conclusion I’d like to remind all of you puckered up old hags, to just have a good romp in the hay from time to time. Fuck like rabbits. Squeal like a pig. You’re going to thank me.

And to all of you bored husbands and tired housewives - play a little. Turn out the lights. Kiss in the car at the red light. Make time to be lovers. Marriage doesn’t have to be the beginning of the end of your sex life.

Trust me.


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