Monday, November 22, 2004

Make it go away.

It's amazing what having a mental disorder can do for your sense of humor. Really. Let's think about this.

I've been slightly, ok severely, emotional my entire life. I cry at the drop of the hat. However, I laugh at almost everything. I found out last summer that I'm also bipolar, which in itself is hilarious. Those individuals with bipolar disorder have severe mood swings. Shifting from delirium to despair in about 3 seconds. Yea, I could have told you that. I'm a gemini. The sign of the twins. Is any of this sinking in yet? It's a circle that I will never be able to break. Two opinions about everthing. Wishy-washy ideas and goals. Serious issues with monogamy and not a "single" favorite thing to be claimed. Everything comes in doubles. Double the pleasure, double the fun. Double the heartache.

If it's not obvious, I've been off of my medicine since last Friday. I tend to get morose and loquacious when that happens. Earlier I was crying on C's shoulder about how horrible of a person I am, and now here I am thinking things really aren't so bad. If I knew any better, it would make my head spin.

I despise being a slave to medication. For some reason, I find it to be a huge source of weakness in myself. C likes to compare bp with diabetes when I get in moods like this, and that just pisses me off even more. Diabetics have to take a shot or they DIE. I should be able to control this. Harness it. Make it go away. Knowing that I have to take those 2 pills or I'm going to become a raving, depressive lunatic is a little disconcerting, albeit funny. It's interesting to me that I can be on my medication, taking it everyday and feel like a totally normal person, yet I get off of the medication and I instantly hate myself. I wonder why I even bother with the stupid pills, they don't work, I'm so weak and pitiful. Blah, blah, blah.

Here comes the funny part. I know sitting here right now, that it's irrational. I know that I need the pills because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. I know that I have a family to take care of, kids to enjoy, a sexy husband to make out with. Yet I still torture myself with the melodramatic B.S. everytime I run out. Lord, save me from myself.

On the bright side, I have a Dr's. appointment on Wednesday morning. I will cry and wail and he will convince me that I am normal. I'll come home with a bag full of goodies i.e. drugs and all will be well in the world.

/end pity party


Blogger AlmstHvn said...

You take those meds young lady or C has my permission to give you a good spanking. And then me next! and me! and me!! :) Take care of thyself, dear Jenn.

8:46 AM  
Blogger J said...

I am familiar with your situation and although I am probably borderline bipolar, mostly I deal with occasional bouts of severe depression. Taking meds is always my last resort, but I know when it gets bad enough that I have to take them. If you could control the thoughts that came out of your brain, well then meds wouldn't be necessary. Taking meds does not make you weak, it makes you strong because you are aware and accepting that you cannot do it all.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Jenny said...

Ohmy Sheryl. How did you know that I like spankinks? ;-)

Seriously, thank you so much for caring. It always helps knowing that I have friends who love me. I hope that all is well with you and yours.


9:31 AM  
Blogger Jenny said...

Jazzy, you sound like my husband.

I like that about you. Seriously, I know that you're right and for that matter that he is right. (Don't you dare let him know that I said that.) It's a problem that usually only plagues me when my body has been denied the wonderful, chemical enhancement of anti-depressants and lithium. Damn my stubborness!

9:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh you are entitled to your pity party!!!

I too take medication for a few things and have for quite some time believed that somehow there was something 'wrong' with me...and there are days I question if my medication is making any difference... it can be tough but humour goes a long way to helping.

11:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel for you. My oldest son has many diagnoses right now, one of which is POSSIBLE borderline bipolar. (He's a Gemini, too) I wish we could find the RIGHT medication for him since, after a lengthy battle with myself, I have finally realized that he DOES need medication. Funny, I thought it was a failing with me as a mother that this was so. But you know what, if you have a disorder, physical, mental, whatvever, you just have it. For no reason. And you need to treat it. Not because you are weak, but because you care about yourself enough tot ake care of yourself. Hope you feel better soon. :)

4:52 PM  
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