Monday, December 26, 2005

Dear Santa,

Yo, Santa. Thanks for the iPod Shuffle that you delivered so cheerfully this year. Thanks for the sexy new mocha tinted leather boots that you left under my tree. Thanks for keeping me sane and bringing me cordial cherries times two. The kids loved their loot as well. (Magnetic Dart Board, Furry bedspreads, six-shooter dart gun, puzzles, books, throw pillows, canvas box shelf, diary and key, shirts that won't fit and snow white new underwear, Spongebox Squarepants Video game, pens, pencils, erasers and containers, Laminator, Computer games, candles, bags, purses, makeup cases and paint, Spiderman movies, star wars figures, dinosaurs, jewelry and lots, lots more.) Also Dear Santa, thanks for continuing to give me at least 3 good days a year. Those three days right before Christmas are some of the happiest I have ever known... The kids are on their best behavior in recognition of your oh-so-subtle threats of being stricken from the good list. But, you did forget one thing you jolly-but-forgetful ole' elf. My magic wand. You know, the one I've been pleading about, for oh.. About 10 years now. The one that I wave and it magically makes the 16 piles of dirty laundry neatly stack into rows and columns of freshly folded goodness. The magically delicious wand that ever so magically makes the shiny new gifts ebb and flow right into their designated home for the next 12 hours. Until they get scattered from here to kingdom come again. But you see, that’s where the magic wand comes in handy. (The one you forgot. AGAIN.)

Decidedly, the new wet/dry dustbuster with an onboard squeegee will have to do..


I do love a new toy...

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Not THAT Old

See - The most obvious "old folks" conversation I've had - to date.
(Note - I'm not proud of it.)



C. : My cough has gotten really dry since earlier this evening.

Jenny: *blink* I'm sorry. (politely) Why do think that is?

C. : I'm not sure, but it was really wet and mucus-y earlier and now it's all dry.


(pause for inordinate amount of time while I sift thru the sentence just uttered.)


Jenny: And umm.. is that a good thing?

C. : Well, yea! When it's wet you can cough and actually hock up some phlegm! Spit it out and be done with it! Yea, it's a good thing.

Jenny: Really... *blink* Good to know. Is this one of those conversations that really old
people have?

C. : I think so.

Jenny: We're not that old yet.

Monday, December 19, 2005

A New Song.

Last year, at this time, I had my best friend and her daughter staying with me. Living quarters were cramped. The children were standing in line to murder each other by violent means and we had more animals than we did humans. But K and I were TOGETHER. This 3-hour drive to see each other is going to be the end of me. Seriously, I may just wither up and blow away without her constant guidance in regards to my sock folding and paperwork filing. Who is going to show me how where to file a letter from SBC about stocks? Does that go under personal or business? SBC or general income? I need my personal secretary/life support back...

Last year I was singing this tune -


On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A cart full of Totino's supremes.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three big zits,
Two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four fighting heathens,
Three big zits,
Two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five cock rings,
Four fighting heathens,
Three big zits,
Two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Six socks unmatching,
Five cock rings,
Four fighting heathens,
Three big zits,
Two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven speeding tickets,
Six socks unmatching,
Five cock rings,
Four fighting heathens,
Three big zits,
Two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eight rat-like hamsters,
Seven speeding tickets,
Six socks unmatching,
Five cock rings,
Four fighting heathens,
Three big zits,
Two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes.


On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine liquid miracle bras,
Eight rat-like hamsters,
Seven speeding tickets,
Six socks unmatching,
Five cock rings,
Four fighting heathens,
Three big zits,
Two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes.


On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Ten tripped out hippies,
Nine liquid miracle bras,
Eight rat-like hamsters,
Seven speeding tickets,
Six socks unmatching,
Five cock rings,
Four fighting heathens,
Three big zits,
Two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me,
Eleven inches of........... yarn,
Ten tripped out hippies,
Nine liquid miracle bras,
Eight rat-like hamsters,
Seven speeding tickets,
Six socks unmatching,
Five cock rings,
Four fighting heathens,
Three big zits,
Two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes!

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me,
Twelve FUCKING PETS!,
Eleven inches of........... yarn,
Ten tripped out hippies,
Nine liquid miracle bras,
Eight rat-like hamsters,
Seven speeding tickets,
Six socks unmatching,
Five cock rings,
Four fighting heathens,
Three big zits,
Two french ticklers,
And a cart full of Totino's supremes.


This year I'm singing this tune -

Those two chicks are
gone as you can see
I don't know just who
to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas
is my one Daisymae,
my one Daisymae,
see my one Daisymae!

Gee, if I could only
have my crazy old friend,
then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas."
(I should say that I'm singing (badly) along with "My Two Front Teeth".

I can't wait to see you both!


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Think of a Kia.

I've been nagging gently encouraging my family and friends for months to UPGRADE to Firefox. Maybe it's been years... I'm really not sure anymore. I can barely remember what an IE browser looks like. Although, I will say.. I'm going to have to remind myself. Shortly.

I'm in the process of 1) designing a blog layout for this site and 2) building a personal/business/information/gallery site for my photography business. 'Gifted Arts'. Or maybe gifted arts. I'm so conflicted on every single design aspect for both sites. Not to mention supremely unqualified and quite honestly, totally, completely technically uninformed to the degree that I've taken 4 beginner CSS courses and studied endless HTML tutorials. Don't get me wrong, I'm starting to pick it up. I admit, (my friends will faint) that I'm a perfectionist when it comes to some things. No, not all things. Shut up Krista.

This really needs to be one of those things that I'm utterly delighted with. It really does! I need to be able to believe in it and get inspired by it. Inspired to be a patterened (yea, like that will happen) and yes... pundit blogger. /end thesaurus

Ultimately I need to be inspired to take beautiful pictures. Maybe I should just find new inspiration... Hell, I don't know anything anymore.

But, I'm not going to panic. Nope. *breathing* I'm in no hurry. No one is going without food because I don't have this website built yet. *breathing* It's ok if I take a month or six months or YEARS. *sigh*

Who am I kidding. I'm going to drive myself bonkers. When I'm done though... That is going to be a GOOD DAY. I'm going to drink wine until my cheeks hurt from smiling. Rewards are a good thing.

I've sidetracked, as usual.

Firefox. Really, people? Do I need *spell it out? Honestly, this browser is far, far superior to Internet Explorer.

Think of a Kia. (Yes, the car.) Let me first say, that I would LOVE to own a Kia. I have a gas guzzling truck that is eating me out of house and home. Not to mention that they are totally cute (click the link!) and from what I hear, pretty darn good cars.

Now, think of a Lexus. See the smooth, sexy design lines and sleek interior. Makes your mouth water a little doesn't it? Now picture yourself driving a browser that hot. You can!


(note* I realize that if your totally hot for IE that I've probably come off like a know-it-all pompous ass in this post, but that's a risk I'm going to have to take.)

(another note* I think I would have Mozilla's babies. If I had a uterus.)

Thursday, December 08, 2005

7 signs of trepidation

7. I straightened the crib yesterday afternoon. By "straightened" I mean that I cleaned nonstop for about 3 hours, employing the "Mean Green", broom and mop, the vacuum and even a little bit of elbow grease. Right now - at 11:46pm the next day - it looks as if the Brady Bunch came to stay for a week and forgot to bring Alice.



6. Searching for a Mean Green link just now made me realize that fuckin' Dollar General overcharged me for a gallon of the good stuff. Why even call yourself a Dollar store? Oh yea.. you OVERcharge by a dollar. Gotcha.

5. Finding Nemo is the only thing I've watched on TV, VCR, DVD, DVR, etc. in atleast 10 days.

4. My Christmas tree is suspiciously leaning to the right. Damn cat. You are so lucky that you have that cute thing on your side.



3. My fingernails are asking to officially go by the new title of fingernubs. Thank you.

2. My oldest son - Logan - who is 11 and a half is still awake at almost 12pm. Just laying in his bed and talking to himself.

1. My refrigerator sounds like it needs an antacid. This worries me.

Times of Yore. Otherwise known as The Great Black-Out of '05.

Yesterday.

You know what I love about yesterdays? They are so utterly in the PAST. Gone. Recent. Times of Yore. Well, sort of.

First I should share some basic background information in regards to my great State of Texas. If you live here than you understand that when the cold wintry months overtake us, well... people tend to go a tad nutso. Just the thought of ice or sleet or snow makes them bolt for the nearest super behemoth discount store for truckloads of water and corn meal and Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream. The sand trucks are waiting and ready, the schools are paused for closure and the banks are SURE to be on hiatus... so why all the excitement you ask? Because it only happens about once every 16 months or so and the great people of Texas will be DAMNED if they don't get all excited and frantic atleast once every 16 months. That was yesterday.

The oh-so-professional news teams were out in force. "WINTER BLAST". "Severe Winter Warning!". "Freezing Rain and Sleet are heading YOUR WAY!". These were the stories on channels ABC, CBS, and my beloved NBC. For once, they were right about the weather and I despise them for that. The excitement, the drama, the hullabaloo makes me positively INSANE. I want to yell at the people in their Ford Diesel's that the world is in fact NOT coming to an end. We will get about 43 minutes of sleet and the roads will get a little slick and by Saturday Texas will be back to it's normal, sunny 62 degrees. But, they won't.. they DON'T listen. Yes, I did mumble it under my breath as I ransacked my pantry for extra bags of sugar. Just in case.

I digress.

C has planned a trip to the deer lease for weeks now. Commencing yesterday. A four hour drive to NW Texas and a resulting 5 day stay. Leaving you know who (ME) home alone - with three VERY excitable kids. Between his excitement about the cold weather and the kids excitement about the cold weather I can't help but just ... well, I'm ashamed to say it. OK.. I dread it. I dread it. I dread it. I dread the biting wind and the sound of sleet on my windows. I dread knowing that my electricity will almost definitely go out when it's 22 degrees and atleast an hour until bed time. But, I'm the Mom. The mood-setter. I can't be too obvious with my distaste for all things snowy and cold.

Yesterday.. as the weather rolled in and the kids came home early from school I got afraid, very afraid. I knew that we could have snowbanks the size of Times Square and C would still be leaving for the Deer Lease. So, I did laundry and cleaned house and in my pre-winter state forgot all about the ramifications of being home alone with three (very excitable) kids with no electricity.

At 5:30 or so C left and we watched the news like junkies looking for a crack fix. It was freezing, and windy and sleeting and icy and my kids .. the little fiends.. wanted to GO OUTSIDE TO PLAY. I promised them that the hazardous conditions would still be there in the morning and assured them that their chances of breaking a limb were only being put off for a few hours. After settling them into warm pajamas and hot cups of hyper-activity inducing chocolate we waited. I'm not sure what for - but it was coming.

Then it happened.

The power went off at around 7:45. Approximately one hour before bedtime. You knew it was coming.

I immediately thought about the one good flashlight that I had packed in C's bag and wondered why in the flippin' hell I hadn't been one of those crazy people ransacking the super behemoth discount store for batteries and duraflame logs.

Instead I donned my outerware and braved the icy wind in search of firewood. (Note to self - Thank C for his wondrous insight in regards to keeping the firewood in a water-proof box.) It only took me about 20 minutes to figure out how the damn box opened ....

I was finally successful in my fire attempts, just in time to get the kids settled on the living room couches. Snug as a bug in a rug under about 4 blankets each. What does a girl do in the dark when everyone is asleep and the house is entirely too quiet? Talk on the phone of course. It was the only thing keeping me from running thru the streets yelling for TXU to hurry, hurry, hurry.

I'm really not scared of the dark. But the cold, icy dark... well, it's daunting.

By 10 0'clock TXU had done their job and we were once again safe, sound, warm and most importantly capable of accessing the internet. I do have priorities.

And then the breaker blew - disrupting my precious internet connection and causing my head to fly off of my shoulders and whip around the room in angst. After locating the breaker box in the dark and resetting the silly switches, I settled myself back into my desk chair, in front of my cozy feet heater and resumed my Firefox extension addiction.

Only for the breaker to blow AGAIN. This time my head didn't fly off. I just sighed and walked calmly into the wall. Repeatedly. Walking into the wall repeatedly must have done something miraculous for my brain function because it suddenly occured to me that my comfy feet heater is probably causing the problem. Unplug the heater. Reset the switches. Slam skull into hard surface. Start over.

The only thing I regret is repeatedly passing up this ESSENTIAL Firefox extension.

yesterday
....

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Enigmatic Bonds

I used to think that love was easy. You love someone and they love you back and lookie here, we love each other. Elementary dear Watson.

I'm noticing lately (it's only taken me 32 years...) that love isn't quite that naive. Love is really fucking complicated. I'm noticing lately how enigmatic each and every single, solitary relationship is.

Let's start with friendships. It's an inherent human trait for people to fuck up. Sometimes, royally fuck up. We make mistakes. We tell each others secrets. We fight. We argue and bitch and moan and pity ourselves. We let ourselves forget about the fun. We make up reasons not to call. We walk out without saying Goodbye and we forget to say I love you. We get busy in our lives, with our jobs, with our families, with our own fun. We get high and mighty. We let tension bubble beneath the surface wondering how to squash it, but not taking the effort to just talk about it. We walk on eggshells instead.

Why do we do this?

Because building and maintaining relationships is by far the most labor-intensive mission we can engage in. Anyone can fix a car, or cook a meal, or plant a garden - given the right instruction and preparation. But it takes mindfulness, diligence and perseverance to maintain a healthy relationship. Friendships are the tenderest, most vulnerable of all. I've thought about this. I have to have a relationship with my family; they are after all - MY FAMILY. My husband and I must work things out - we have a marriage to consider and kids to nurture. But friends - well they come and go... Right? Not exactly. True friends, in my experience, are hard to come by. Trusting someone completely and allowing myself to be a trusted source is hard work.

The relationship I have with my best friend is without a doubt an exception to the rule of casual acquaintances. We've known each other our entire lives. We've loved each other longer than we've had boobs. She broke my toes pumping me on the back of her bike. I ate her cooking before it could be considered food. She stole my boyfriends and then gave them back. Despite our history, our relationship is still really, really fucking complicated. We walk on eggshells. We tell each others secrets. We make mistakes and in general just fuck stuff up. On the other hand, we are both 100% committed to each other. No matter what happens, we can't fathom the thought of not being friends anymore; and trust me, there have been some tense, awkward, curse-word-filled moments in our 28 years of loving one another.

Family relationships are only slightly different. No matter how much our family members hurt us, desert us, crush our dreams, make us sad, mad, looney tunes - we love each other because we just do. Because when I was a 10 year old girl my younger brother beat someone up to protect me. Because my Daddy bought me a gold bracelet for Christmas - just from him. Because my Mom saw the hickeys on my virginal 15-year old throat and didn't berate me, but instead talked to me about my body and my own sexuality and the power that lay within. My family relationships are sometimes the hardest to maintain for this very reason. They know it all.

It seems lately that I'm constantly balancing a fine line of utter contentment and absolute upheaval in my relationships. Not the I'm-Never-Talking-To-You-Again-EVER kind, but more of the Don't-Call-Me-I'll-Call-You state of peril. How do we constantly arrive at this state of woe? How do we forget about our issues and arguments in the amount of time it takes to hear bad news? How do we run to comfort the ones who make us the angriest?

Because relationships and love in general is complicated.


REALLY COMPLICATED.

But, it's so very worth it. I wouldn't trade the emotions and feelings that I share with those I love for anything in the world.


Yep, I just figured this out...



Thursday, August 18, 2005

I will quit. I will.

I made the monumentally stupid SMART decision this past Monday, August 15th to quit smoking. I smoked my last cigarette at approximately 10:00 pm. In 23 minutes I'll have gone 60 hours without a nicotine fix.

I'm not sure what I was thinking when I made the choice to enter this personal hell .
Clean lungs? Who cares.
Bad breath? That's what gum is for.
Stinky clothes? You shouldn't be standing so close, ASSHOLE.

Sigh...

I feel so bitchy and out of control.
Irritable.
Emotional.
FUCKING WOE-BEGONE.
I wasn't sure who I should call last night when my head spun off of my body and bounced around the room. Doctor? Lawyer? Exorcist?

Will I get thru this?... that's the question. Will I successfully give up nicotine? Right now, this very minute, 9:28 am on August 18th, I would have to say No. It probably won't happen. My hands are shaking, my stomach is turning, I feel nauseated and disoriented. I NEED a cigarette. But, more importantly I WANT a cigarette. I want to inhale and exhale and feel the smoke snake its way down my infected trachea and worm its way into my already blackened lungs.

Obviously, addiction makes me unreasonable. I know that cigarettes are poison, but my body tells me that I need that poison to feel... right. Going without nicotine feels.. well.. yea.. WRONG. really wrong.

Just one. I only want one.

My plan is to stay in my house until the cravings are gone. I'll probably scream at C. I'll definitely torture my friends with plaintive wailings for the sweet, sweet aroma of a Marlboro Light. But, I WILL prevail.

I will quit smoking.

Friday, July 08, 2005

I'm not committed - yet...

I've gotten a few emails from some very sweet (but with obviously no life to speak of) people, wondering where I've been. Why I haven't blogged?...Which jail am I in?... What mental hospital do I now call home?... Well, the answer is D. none of the above. (But, just barely.) I did go through a very rough patch with my bi-polar self-induced dementia, also known as B.S. I didn't check myself into any mental hospitals, and I managed to talk C. out of committing me. (Thanks honey! I hate hospital food.) What I did do was sleep alot, act grumpy, stop eating on occasion and most depressing - stop taking my meds. If you're bi-polar - listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth - DON'T STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION. EVER.

Don't worry. I didn't start dating a gangster or take a job as a coctail waitress in an all-nude strip club. (Don't laugh. Those things really happen.)

The good news is that I've been taking my medication regularly for about 2 months now, the bad news is that my Mom, who has been ill for a long time now, has taken a turn for the worse. 17 years ago she underwent a heart transplant, today her heart is giving out. Her heart is not pumping fast enough to keep up with the flow of blood, and it's systematically affecting all of her internal organs. I found out today that she has to go on dialysis Monday. All I know is that I'm shaken to my very core. I know that she will feel better because her blood will improve but all I can think about - is that my beautiful, young, 47-year old Mother has no more kidney function. And that freaks me the fuck out.

Where was I?

Oh yea.. Where have I been?

Freaking the fuck out.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Letter to a Friend

I'm running out the door to go to the Dr., so in the interest of time I'm posting a letter
that I wrote to my best friend in April of last year. Enjoy.





Dearest Krista,

Thank you so much for inviting me to go out today. Your timing is always right on target. With the weather so beautiful, and my mood being the way it has, you knew that I would be experiencing one of my bouts with "cabin fever". Ally was so excited when I told her that she and I would be heading up to Dallas to see a movie with you and Bethany. We were late, as we always are when we go someplace together, but we got there! With our arms full of movie snacks we rushed into the theater 10 minutes after it's begun, like we usually do. Punctuality has always been one of our on-going jokes.

How long have we been friends? Let me think. I'f I'm 30 and we met when I was 4, then that would make our friendship 26 years and still going strong, this month. Wow. How many people can claim to have had the same best friend for 26 years. A friend of absolutely no blood relation, but as close as any sisters could hope to be. For fourteen years you lived 2 houses down. On our tiny street, in our tiny town. I never felt that I was missing anything though.

We were telling the girls stories of our childhood this afternoon. Boy, if those girls only knew of all the trouble we got into. Do you remember playing truth or dare with Shane and Mark? Remember playing Army with all of the boys and using charcoal as hand grenades?

I laugh everytime I think of us learning to sew. We were sitting on your water bed and I decided that the mattress would be a good spot to stick my needle. What's a little hole in a water bed mattress between friends though?

8th grade banquet was so much fun. I still have the pictures of you in that hot pink gown. What a site you were. Beehive and all. LMAO You wanted to kill your mom. And for good reason.

I'll never in my life forget that damn dog that hated me. Rinny the Skipperkee. Holy hell, that dog wanted to rip my throat out. I never knew I could jump so high. Don't laugh. It ain't funny.

Think of all the hours we spent rewinding that Air Supply tape trying to write down the lyrics. What an eternally huge waste of our time. I still remember every lyric though.

Chocolate mayonnaise cake ring any bells? I just knew that you we're out of your mind when you told me that you were going to bake me a chocolate mayonnaise cake. That was the beginning of our love of food.

I know that you will remember lick-n-rub stamps, and sneaking into Crystal Chandelier when we were 17. Driving home from Billy Bob's at 5:00 in the morning. What about the time we drove home with our tops off? Just because we could.

Your first husband was my boyfriend first. You actually started dating him, knowing that I really liked him. He only had eyes for you though. It's too bad that you guys didn't work things out, I guess you we're just too good of friends.

Living together wasn't a great idea. You tend to be messy and I'm overly neat. Your a night owl and I ike to go to bed early. We know each other so well, and love each other so much that we can say anything to each other. That would be our dwelling together downfall. But, it didn't break us.

We have had arguments over boys, toys, jobs and everything in between, but we always come out of it respecting the other more for it. At one point I think we even went 8 months without speaking. Only to come back together like we hadn't missed a single day.

We are both so lucky to have the families that we do. I adore your family and you are just another kid in my own parents home. You even lived with my brother, with much better results than you and I had! When Mom had her heart transplant you took care of me. We were freshmen in high school and you put your social life on hold to give your full attention. The night I found out that Mom got a heart you and I were sitting on the tailgate of my Dad's truck. Remember that? We held each other and cried. I'll never be able to replace a memory like that.

We've swapped boyfriends, borrowed each others clothes, babysat each others kids, took care of each other during illnesses and picked each other up after a fall.

Last summer I had to be picked up. My mental state was highly questionable and when everyone else was ready to point their finger you opened your hand. I turned my back on every single person in my family and held only you close. You understood. You never judged, but only listened and encouraged. When I was threatened, you were there to make me take a strong look and realize my mistakes. You saved me.

When you introduce me, you always say... "This is my best friend, Jennifer"

I'd give anything to say.. "This is my sister, Krista"